Scanxiety

Oh yes, it is nearing that time once again, Scan time! Over the past few months I have become quite acquainted with the CT/MRI department of St James hospital. It is a love/hate relationship, mostly hate.

On scan day you are usually in the hospital for close to two hours. With the PET scan you must wait one hour post injection (contains stuff to help identify rapidly growing cells AKA malignant cells) and the scan itself takes around twenty minutes or so. In this time you are trapped in a cave of your thoughts, battling against your worst possible nightmares. You are not allowed to move a muscle, not even look at your phone or knit. Instead you play out so many scenarios. You think positively, you want to think positively, but at the back of your mind there is always that tiny seed of doubt that will sprout uncontrollably if you give it the time of day. You close your eyes, sing a few songs in your head, make mental notes of things you need to do and then SUDDENLY you realise the scanner has been on that part of your body for too long. Why isn’t it moving along? Oh my God it has spread, I am a walking malignancy. I am a goner, see ya! I am not a radiographer, I have no clue as to how they do their job but suddenly you become an expert and you hang your life on their every action. Afterwards the lovely staff come in, help you gather your things, most likely give you a sandwich and send you on your way. You judge their every move and facial expressions, believing yourself to be Derren Brown, thinking you can decipher the result just from their actions. Silly I know, but that is what the anxiety does to you, or Scanxiety as we call it in the Carty household.

Waiting for my first PET scan, where I was diagnosed with cancer

Waiting for my first PET scan, where I was diagnosed with cancer

Next week will be my first check up after the getting the all clear. The past three months has just flown by, the weeks melting into each other. The fatigue has set in and my life at the moment seems to revolve around how many naps I can get during the day. I will do another blog on this later as to how I try combat this. Alas, time still goes by and with this the anxiety about the cancer returns. It is something I have been dealing with in the fast few weeks but I have slowly become to take the ‘I will deal with it if it (it won’t) happens’. It is a daily battle, some days I forget what happened and other days I get a pain in my little toe and convince myself I am doomed. As the next scan looms, the fear doubles, terrified my bubble of pure bliss may burst. It’s said that between 4 percent and 22 percent of cancer survivors have a risk of developing posttraumatic stress disorder at some point during their lifetimes, peaking just prior to scan times. I would well believe it.

PET scan after six brutal rounds of chemo.. I was only wishing there that I would get the all clear.

PET scan after six brutal rounds of chemo.. I was only wishing there that I would get the all clear.

So how do I deal with it? It is the little things that may help such as

  1. Keeping a diary. Update it as you feel happy, sad or indifferent. It’s amazing how putting something down on paper can help you feel like it’s off your chest.
  2. Surround yourself with people who you love and make you laugh. I am adamant about this. Don’t give people who do not lift you up the time of day.
  3. Mindfulness techniques are fantastic. You can download so many apps. Mindfulness is all about ‘being’ in the now, regardless of what situation you are in. It is paying attention to the present moment and appreciating our experiences without judgement. It can really relax you and bring you back to earth. Mindfulness and meditation can also help you identify where you carry heaviness or anxiety in your body. Don’t forget everything is connected, what stress you are under affects your body.
  4. Listen to podcasts. If you want to just shut off for a few minutes, let someone else’s story take you away for a bit. I personally love Serial Podcast and Criminal Podcast but there are loads out there for whatever you are interested in.
  5. Exercise if you can. I don’t understand why people take drugs. Just go for a brisk walk or light run and the endorphins will make you feel on top of the world.
  6. Seek help. I feel in Ireland there is a massive stigma attached to seeking counselling. Being honest I don’t give a hoot about that. I have been through a lot, have a lot of emotions and the best thing I did was seek help from my local Cancer Support Group. I attend weekly counselling in a safe and closed environment without judgement. I can’t recommend it enough.
  7. Always remember F**K CANCER!!!!!!!

If you are feeling in doubt at all just remember what you have been through, how far you have come and that you are amazing!!!!

4 Comments

  1. Hope the next scan goes really well for you Sarah! Beautifully written as always… & full of great advice.

  2. Best of luck with the scan Sarah will have my fingers and toes crossed – love your blog’s so helpful and interesting :-)

  3. As I have said before sarah you are an amazing girl and your courage at times may weaken but having the strenght of your family and good friends will lift you back up to a height that not even the dreaded disease can reach you will be great and the scans shall give you the results you are wanting no doubt about that keep blogging as in doing so you are helping so many others that have come up the the path behind you and you are giving them more than you can ever dream possible. X

  4. Beautifully written – we can relate to every word. Thinking of you and praying for a good clear scan.

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